In search of a lost avenue, I cut off from the daily grind in the month of October. Yes, now you know. No, not a drastic renunciation. It was more of tiny, subtle changes. I took a Blog Break, for one. I did not write for a month. Sounds crazy? Well, yes it was! It was like not having my coffee cuppa every morning. But I brewed on the ideas that were stirring in my head. The aroma of the thoughts that I wanted to retain lingered on. The rest, I dumped like the coffee powder residue. Felt refreshing. And today as I return, the voice in my head tells me, ‘Blog Your Dreams’. I think I will!
September is stock taking month for me, ever since it changed my life, seven years ago. All it took was a split second that changed the direction I was headed in. Nothing was the same and yet, I was stuck in a time warp. Something that I would realize only a few years down the line. Death changes perspective like no other. The person you once knew becomes a ‘body’ almost instantaneously. You find the warm embrace that you came home to, begin to stiffen as the clock ticks by. Your mind has shut the outer world, as you cruise in auto pilot mode. There are things to be done. Rituals to be followed. Life to be lived. Because death truly, is your singular, most tragic performance that has the audience in an emotional outburst. And the irony is, you don’t live to see it!
And then it happened. I saw him. He was in his Sunday best, smiling, and his usual exuberant self. I couldn’t believe it. He was just a heartbeat away. I rushed to him with a zillion questions and complaints. How could he do this to us? Where was he all this time? Why did he have to go like this? I couldn’t follow his footsteps anymore. He had to take it from here. Why wasn’t he saying something? If he’d been here all along, why didn’t he say so? He simply smiled. And I awoke.
This has been a recurring dream every time I’ve had a life changing decision to make. My dad visits me from the other side. The settings change but the dream sequence and my reactions are consistent. Over the years I have learnt that it almost is like an assurance that he is happy wherever he is. For the last words that I heard before he went forever were “I am happy, thank you.” This dream brings me comfort. And I think to myself, such simplicity is what I would love to leave behind as a memory. Not an autumn leaf but a spring of hope, always. And that is when it hit me. Spring will have to be followed by autumn, it was only natural. Likewise, a halo of happiness will cast a shadow somewhere. I realized if we were in a constant space of ‘happiness’, Botox would never have been invented.
Did this happen because I took a month off? No, not at all. It was there all along. It just came to the fore for I stopped to take stock. We have a pathway we intend to travel. When we assimilate too much information, we get lost. It is like looking at the GPS and the Road Map at the same time and losing out on the evident ‘Turn Right’ road sign. We complicate things, simply.
And so, in an effort to ‘un-complicate’ life, I decided to dust the attic. Nope, not calling this some ‘healing‘ jazz. That’s too heavy duty for the likes of me. Besides, it’s not change if you constantly keep going back. That’s a rebound! I choose to call this my Chrysalis, because hereon, I’ll never be anything but a butterfly.
Yes, I still think Dad went too soon. And I miss him every single day. But I also know he is doing okay, just as I am…………. we are. I’ve accepted this over the years. Today, I am acknowledging this as a testimony. Why? Because he taught me to take the wheel, just as he did to read the signs. And I reckon, it’s about time I take that drive!
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