“Would you like to add this book?” he asked. I politely refused. He proceeded to bill the items in my cart. It was Dusshera eve. My shopping cart was overflowing with gifts for the festive season. I noticed the attractive POS (point of sale) display on every counter. The cover was quite pedestrian if you ask me, but the title had created quite a furore on social media. Why would an author willingly name his book such, I wondered. Or was this just another smart marketing gimmick? What if it was not? My chain of thoughts were interrupted by the cashier. Festivals were an expensive affair as confirmed by my billing total. On an impulse I tossed ‘Half Girlfriend’ as a last-minute purchase. The cashier smiled, and his cash register went ka ching!
I have no qualms in stating that this wasn’t the first time I was reading Chetan Bhagat. Having interacted with him once, my thoughts have been pretty neutral about his ‘literary expertise’. I am not a fan, neither am I the one hunting him down with a grammar bible. Truth be told, our worlds don’t collide, thus neither does our existence matter to the other. On that democratic note, I began his latest.
The back cover introduced me to Madhav and Riya in a very kindergarten sing-song manner. The dedication on the third page told me that this book was meant for ‘rural India’ and the ‘non-English types’. Clearly, I was way out of the book’s league. You see, I talk (in) English, I walk (in) English and I even think in the same darn language. This was going to be challenging. However, it was a fair warning. So, I took off my Versace judgement glasses and decided I was going to treat this book like the common fare it was. And somewhere in Bihar, I could picture the ladies of the household in their long drawn ghoonghats reading in the light of the forlorn oil lamp. Life changing, I tell you.
I began the Three Act play, solemnly. Few places made me chuckle, some places made me yawn. Most of the time I felt like Dhritarashtra, and I kept muttering ‘Yeh kya ho raha hai?’ Mythology has strange effects. At some point I went into a dream sequence about Ardhanarishvara, the half man, half woman. Well, getting into the nuances of the book is not why I am writing this. I am here to tell you why the book is titled so. I know what you are thinking. It is because the girl who is a friend is missing for half the book! Maybe. However, the alternative theory I have is that she does not have her head on her shoulders, literally!
Well, if she did, the story would wind up earlier.
And if the boy had only taken the trouble to read, what he so willingly gave up, the story would not have been written at all!
Logic tells me this. If I ever come across a treasure chest that belonged to someone I deeply cared about, I’d go through it. Yes, even if the contents were in Swahili, a language that I can’t speak to save my life. I’d be too darn inquisitive. Also, if I want something in life, I won’t play the ‘abla nari’ card, coz I don’t own it. I would plot, plan and murder to get what I want. I would have definitely tried, at least once. But then again, I am thinking all of this in English. Perhaps, in Hindi, the laaj ka ghoonghat comes in the way. I don’t know because I wear jeans most of the time, much to the disapproval of Yesu’s das.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not complaining, for I got into this with my eyes wide open. I was then down with conjunctivitis, though that is besides the point. I am not talking about the crass dialogue in the book. I am not questioning Madhav’s ever-changing language skills. I am not intrigued by Riya’s flip-flop attitude. I am not even referring to the convenient characters, mundane plot points or in-house branding exercise. I swear, I wasn’t thinking of scenes ripped off from movies either. I was simply wondering if maybe you could write, someday, for us English types, you know. It would be nice. We can then talk, as equals. I can almost see us discussing, animatedly, about how a question is always ‘asked’ and not ‘said’, among other things. Do you? The ball is in your basketball court, now.
I hear this is to be a movie. Could be another block buster, who knows? Outsourced screenplay writers have worked for you in recent times. Movies these days, anyway, are all about the opening weekend. Then the following week they are on television. So, if you get lambasted for a regressive, rehashed 70’s saas-bahu drama, so what? Don’t quit. It will happen one day, as Madhav said.
One numerical book at a time. The English will have to pay for what they did to India. Bharat Mata ki Jai!
Comments
Your kinda review made me chuckle at various places. I know for sure I am not going to pick this one up…never would. But thanks 🙂
I am happy to help, Kajal. 😉
hahah! that was an awesome review! I loved every bit 😀
Reading his ‘2 states’ tested my patience so I cannot even dare to go near this one 😛
movie on this book too..gawdd.. will be a hit in up and deep inside bihar!
I am glad you did, Ankita. I feel CB has not maximized his potential yet. 😀
🙂 thanks for the laugh…needed it!
Ah, you know me….love to spread the joy and cheer. 😉
Like you said, the cover does look pedestrian, but then judging a book by the cover is not the done thing.
Did read his two states (and the movie three idiots) and was impressed by it.
By the way, beware of calling the almighty Yesudas names. His “fan power” is almost equal to that of Amma.
THAT is why I read the book, Joe.
And well the screenplay of both the movies you mention was not written by him. Besides, a movie is a team collaboration, while a book is more often than not, a solitary offering.
Ah, Yesudas, what a pity with a name as such and thoughts so restricted.
I am so happy to see you drop by 🙂
Omfg…this was brilliant! But something tells me that THIS book did not deserve such a stellar non-review.
But of course, if you, uncharacteristically, wanted this to be a kick in the backside of Mr CB, let’s just say he is going to have trouble putting his tush to the cush for quite some time!
Who me? And violence? NEVER! You know how peace loving I am. I was toh only talking about my Diwali shopping bags. 😉
I want your Versace glasses. I also want Mr Bhagat to read this.
Brilliant.
Remind me to give them to you when I visit Delhi, ok?
Enjoyed reading this post so much that don’t feel the need to go for the book now!
Oh dear! That was never my intention, I swear. 😀
A review that is a zillion times better than anything CB can ever write. Vintage BlogwatiG !
It’s Sad how much he takes the readers of English literature so much for granted. what is even sadder is that there is a whole generation out there who thinks that the man can actually write !
It’s sad how much he takes the readers of english lit for granted (typos!)
Ruch, I actually worry for the Non-English types. I mean, they should have a chance to be able to upgrade themselves from obscurity, me thinks. Why learn it wrong?
I liked his first novel, years ago. For some reason, I haven’t read another book written by CB. I am sure I won’t read this one, maybe some other 🙂
Honestly, the only one that I felt held any promise was Three Mistakes….When One night at the call centre transpired into Hello………..I died!
Three idiots was all AK, honestly. Like I say, movies are a team effort.
Is it sad that instead of looking at the book cover, I was eyeing that gorgeous mini-mannequin!!
Brilliant review…he may actually think you let him down very nicely..if he truly can’t read between the lines!
Oh Thank you…………THANK YOU! Someone noticed my styling skills. *does the happy dance* I swear it was all about the picture in the first place. 😀
Haha! The ending is the icing on the cake. “One numerical book at a time. The English will have to pay for what they did to India.”
Ah, well, I guess we are getting even with (the) English after all, aren’t we?
Super review Vini. Loved it. ROFl 😀
*Takes a graceful bow*
I am not least bit interested in the book but frankly the title was intriguing nevertheless. But more than your thoughts on the book I loved the kick-ass way you smashed it out of the urban India (read it removed the laaj ka ghoonghat)
Hawwwww! Maine aisa kya kar diya? You guys are twisting and turning my words, aren’t you’ll? 😛
I never read any of CB’s work. But i loved watching Three idiots. NO intention whatsoever of reading CB’s latest. I prefer reading reviews like this one. 😉
I dunno about CB, but this comment makes me very, very happy, Manogna. 🙂
This post has intrigued me to go a little further and send this book to some of my English friends. Of course, they won’t understand the much talked about dialogue, but then Google Translate is always there!
So I translated it for myself- it doesn’t make much sense to me. I’ll have to do the explanations for my friends as Google isn’t as reliable as I thought.
You take the satire to an entirely new level when you ask Chetan Bhagat to write for the English types! How on the earth would he be able to convey the meaning and thought behind “Deti hai to de” in English.
Akanksha, unless they are friends you are trying to lose, I’d suggest not. Especially with Google Translate.
He did do the English version in the book, it still did not take away the bitter taste the vernacular left in the mouth, though.
I think this is the best revenge I can get 😛
I too have read all his books just for the fact that an Indian writer is getting so much hype….what the hell!?
But I loved your review of his book, sadly I have already ordered it, its on its way! Will have to read too 😉 Looking forward to find how low the man has gone to teach English to his “Young India”
Since the sin has already been committed, there is little you can do. Do come back once you have read the book though. Would love to know how I fared 🙂
Are baba, its a new genre. Its called anti-diction fiction.
Readers kya jaane chetan ka class?
Mast post.
CRD
Ha ha ha CRD, you are the recipient of the coolest comment award on this one. You should patent that.
I was going to borrow this book from one of my friend (the decision to not buy was taken long ago) but your review makes me not even borrow this…
Is this really so bad? 😉
It is not the question of it being bad, it is just the suspension of disbelief is non-existent. I mean, the all sacrificing woman went out of the Bollywood window with Nirupa Roy, no?
Honestly, I have been intrigued by his title, and kept thinking that the plot must be full of those kinda dialogues that, “a ladka and ladki kabhi dost nahi ho sakte” types!
Then maybe–just maybe (not favoring the author) the author must be trying to speak that kinda language thus, the errors found by an individual who is well versed in it?
Needless to say, BlogwatiG your review gave me a chuckle and I wanna borrow your Versace glasses 🙂
Ruchira, I’ve read him before, but it did not matter. If you know what I mean. But this one, ufffffffff matlab kitni filmygiri?
You can borrow the Versace glasses from Alka. She called dibs on them first. 😀
Absolutely loved it.. I have never read any of CB’s books..I guess I too fit into the elite class who considers his work insignificant.. He should have named the book Half-Baked instead of Half-Girlfriend. What irks me is the fact he takes his readers for granted and dumps his movie scripts on them and calls it a book. A huge thumbs for this one.
Look, movies are different because a new team comes on board. My anguish is that under the garb of ‘knowing the youth’ he is dishing out the same old stuff that we are trying to get out of!
I just discovered that he has twins and since then I kind of believe, that it’s not IIT that messed up his brain 😛
Thankfully I have read only Five Point Someone because it was lying on a bench at the IIT Delhi Campus and was begging to be picked up.
Don’t you dare bring my boys in this!! 😛
Sakshi, I never thought I’d say this………..but you are the wise one, butt, of course 😉
I’m not a big fan of the guy, that’s for sure 😛 But I’ll pick it up from my friend who is a big fan and has all his books! Just curious to find out how such a book can inspire such a (non)review. 😉
Vinay, don’t ask! I really was happy in my own world. But the lack of interest to weave a believable story, on his part, got to me this time. I think that was it!
Witty, humorous, so you. 🙂
Ah, thanks so much, Rachna. Bade dino baad yun likhne ka mann hua, so likh diya. 😀
I got bored with studies and surfed few blogs to read randomly…3 were boring as studies and than I landed here. Honestly, I loved your quotes on Facebook and admired you as a woman, now I admire you as a writer as well. Amazing and humour filled review….and now we know who is overrated as a writer. Thanks for the laugh and relaxing time in between hectic schedule.
Oh, Farida you have simply loved me from the Good Ol’ American Bikini days, haven’t you? 😛
Thank you for making me sound soooooooooooooo wonderful. I feel proud indeed.
A humourous review. As it is I was not buying it. But your review made me chuckle
I am glad I could spread some cheer, Datta.
Your post brings a new level of respectability to this emerging genre of Chetan Bhagat reviews.
Thank you for saying that Subho. My idea was never to be one of those voices ever. It is very easy to point fingers, you know, and secretly wish to be in his shoes.
What I really wanted to show is that he is influential, yet, he is not giving those ‘youth’ anything to think about. That is where my problem lies. Why rehash regressive ideas? I hope that came across.